A solid transparence, the day
is caught between leaving and staying
-Octavio Paz
Dear Beth,
I want to leave this place. I want to live as a man should live, free. I want to find the world and see what it can make of me. I want to succeed or fail, its no difference when compared to the death I've to settle for if I remain in this place. I know above all people you'll understand me. You'll know that I'm not running away, that fear is not keeping me from staying but rather gripping me from going. I've nothing to remain here for. Things like family, career, and home mean very little to me; I've known this for far too long without acknowledging it. Its caused so much conflict in my identity, its wrapped me in coils and networks that are now bindingly severe to loosen myself from. And perhaps I'll lose friends, perhaps I'll not have support or strength of faith from those who may straighten my back but with a word; and perhaps I may lose the one chance at love. But I must go, before the last of my passion blows away; if one has at least one inch of fighting breath to curse with, it should be used as a pick for a lock, a brick for a window, or a blade for a guard. All that matters at anyone's finish is that they got there on their own terms; that they didn't settle and hopped aboard a ride provided for them--provided for them in exchange for the surrender of some form of truth or another.
Beth you must know that I have never said a word to you that I didn't mean but I have at moments, kept words from you that I did mean, and became a coward when the time came to say them. I look upon the life I've lived and there is nothing that should present itself reason enough to keep me here. That is, nothing until I think of you. You once told me of a dream you had in which we were living together, happily and comfortably; maybe even at peace--I never had such a dream, though I have imagined it and lived it there in the cinema of my thoughts. And its as lovely a picture as it is a possibility but were I to dream, were I to allow my subconscious to spell out my true desire when in regards to you, it would be in the shape of a life abroad. A holiday, you and I with a world under our feet, no home only places to see, people to meet, words to say or hear. You and I sharing what it is to live on a world unlimited to our eyes.
If I could take you with me I would--I know if it weren't for your health you would go. As I know that you would never hold me back, never request me to stay even if I wanted you to, you would perform that kindness for me; love would be the leading role. You'd understand that I'd be no good to you if I stayed behind, there is no future for me here, at least not yet. Everything you love about me is dying! Time is a horribly exhausting law, and things bend eventually at the consistency of such a force as Time. Its almost a matter of self-preservation. All this place has to offer has been used up, dried out, depleted and licked down to the marrow.
But perhaps you need me...Staying on at your side because you can't do it alone. This isn't true and you're 60 feet tall in strength, you're a dangerous spirit, 50,000 years in the making and when I return or if you get well enough to jump out into the world and find me, I'll never let you go. Beth without you, I'd be wandering with half my eyes, half a heart, half a mind, and ultimately half an experience, half a life. But even this cannot keep me back, because half the life is still twice of what I'm living now. You are the only person whose understanding I need.
Keep me in your heart, its the closest thing I've ever known to a home. Goodbye.
All my love and its future,
-a name you'll hold again
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